Blog: "Choking Hazard"
by Paul Jury

I got a new computer, finally. The old one, having been on for roughly 98% of the four years I've owned it, had just become to curmudgeonly to work with. It wouldn't even respond anymore to my angrily shaking it and threatening to "skull-fuck its children".

So I got a new one, which came in this interesting plastic bag:


While I'm intrigued as to what good 1.5 mm of padding is going to do for a 4 pound computer shipped sans styrofoam in a cardboard box, what I like most is the warnimg label:


It's downright frightening. Like something from the Ikea Shop of Horrors catalogue.

I think I get the gist of what they're trying to say, but I feel like their meaning could have been made more clear by a caption. I can think of a couple:


If you somehow slip this plastic bag over your head and start to suffocate, make sure to choke yourself with your hand as well, to speed the process along.
If you somehow slip this plastic bag over your head and start to suffocate... it's probably better that you die. You're too stupid to own a computer anyway.

Should your head become stuck under the rectanguler seat of an airplane toilet, scream in terror.
If your head is a cafeteria tray, try to end your life as quickly as possible. You're just going to get made fun of.

This all reminds me strangely of the road sign game.

At least it's recycleable, although I'm not sure I've ever seen Recycling Code #7 before. Maybe it stands for "when you get done asphyxiating yourself with this bag, pass it along so someone else can try.



See Paul's complete blog at www.paulspond.com










More blogs by Paul Jury:
"Three Vignettes About Moving Into a New House" - 01/29/08
"3 Rants" - 12/23/07
"Whacked Out Check" - 12/17/07
"The Next Evolution of the Romance Novel" - 11/22/07
"Mascot Rematch" - 11/19/07
"Mascot Death Match" - 11/14/07
"Better Pumpkins Than Never" - 11/11/07
"Camera's Back; My Will" - 11/06/07
"Dear China: Give Us Back Our Damn Camera" - 10/31/07
"Venice Photo Tour!" - 10/29/07
"Marshmallows" - 10/23/07
"Weekend Airplane Disaster, Part 2" - 10/19/07
"United Flight 233 Passengers: I'm Sorry For All the Vomiting" - 10/17/07
"Avocado vs. Baby 2: The Rematch" - 10/16/07
"What's More Irresistable?" - 10/12/07
"A Letter To Verizon Customer Support" - 10/09/07
"Turbo Prop" - 10/03/07
"Tire Changing and Other Tests of Manliness" - 09/18/07
"Two Unexpected Downsides to Moving Houses" - 09/11/07
"Wedding wHorror" - 09/09/07
"I Hate Moving" - 09/05/07
"And^5" - 08/30/07
"Buffalo^8" - 08/27/07
"State of Fairs" - 08/23/07
"Wedding Fever" - 08/21/07
"Yard Games" - 08/13/07
"Wax + Carpet = A Domestic Skill I Never Though I'd Need" - 08/09/07
"Post Bridge-Collapse Minneapolis Traffic Still Better than LA Traffic" - 08/02/07
"Can a White Man Be President?" - 07/30/07
"Eat Your Way Out of Something" - 07/26/07
"How to Recycle Batteries" - 07/23/07
"Photograph of Another Bird" - 07/12/07
"Bear-Hunter-Princess" - 07/09/07
"Good vs. Better" - 07/03/07
"Undesirable" - 06/24/07
"Trader Joe's Water: The ONLY Water" - 06/21/07
"Douche-Baggery: Exhibit #1" - 06/19/07
"The Three Silliest Dreams I've Ever Had" - 06/13/07
"My Radioactive Cow Dream" - 06/11/07
"Six-Pack of Bald Eagles" - 06/04/07


More new Panda Smash blogs:
"Behind the Scenes: A Tribute to Every Video Site" - 07/13/07
"Also, We Could Have Done Much Worse..." - 06/08/07
"Catch Three Rats = The American Way" - 06/05/07

See the full blog archive
















Sam:  
 		You know what the Internet needs? More blogs.
Paul:  
 		I agree. But at least our blogs are sometimes about these sweet videos we're trying to share with the world.
Sam:  
 		Being a writer is fun. I wonder what we would've done if we were alive a century ago.
Paul:  
 		Maybe we would've created videos. Viral videos.
Sam:  
 		I think we would've been more worried about real viruses. Like whooping cough or consumption.
Paul:  
 		Was that still around in 1907? I only know it from Oregon Trail.
Sam:  
 		I only know about Oregon Trail from when I got bored with Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. The game, not the television show with Rockapella.
Paul:  
 		Those guys were hilarious. Definitely TiVo-worthy.
Sam:  
 		I have more mp3s of a capella music than I should really should admit.
Paul:  
 		Are you going to throw those on your iPhone? Or iPod? Or Microsoft Zune?
Sam:  
 		No, I already packed those with the funniest videos we've made. In case I ever bump into Steven Spielberg or Matt Groening or Jessica Alba on the street, I can show them the hilarity.
Paul:  
 		Jessica Alba wouldn't be interested in our efforts to go viral.
Sam:  
 		She would if that virus was consumption.






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